Thoughts on Friendships

Written by: Dan Bureau, Ph.D. (University of New Hampshire, '95), National President

Recently an alum from my chapter reached out to congratulate me on serving as Phi Kappa Theta’s President. It meant a lot because this is a brother with whom I had no previous relationship. He graduated before I even joined the chapter and I had never talked to him before.

Yet, he reached out due to this bond we have as members of this Fraternity, our shared chapter affiliation, and a feeling that our chapter was (sadly, was) something very special in creating conditions that helped members commit to each other, stay connected, and in the name of the Fraternity come together around important life milestones. For example, just a little over a week before he and I spoke for the first time, he had attended the funeral of one of our brothers. For him, Phi Kappa Theta had been a bond that transcended college. 

It got me thinking a lot about the role a fraternity can play in addressing the male friendship recession, a term to describe the declining state of meaningful friendships between men. A statistic that shocked me given my involvement in Phi Kappa Theta: the percentage of men with at least six close friends has fallen by half since 1990 with one in five single men having zero close friends. 

Zero close friends….

It has led some to embark on a quest to fill their lives with male friends. I think about the consequences of this because if men do not have close male friends, it’s like they don’t have close friends period given the challenges with male/female relationships. Of course, how people display gender or their sexual orientation may influence this differently, but by and large, men are not doing well in having friendships with other men. 

 By the way, friends help you live longer, maintain better health norms, and provide a source of support when life just frankly gets really hard. However, “Men in general don’t feel particularly skillful in how to form friendships, how to maintain relationships, how to be honest and connected in a way that feels comfortable,” says Cynthia Post, a psychologist, in the previously referenced Washington Post article. 

Not everyone chooses to join a fraternity or are involved in environments in which male friendships might come easily, which made me think about the heightened responsibility our organizations have to create the relationships men need to realize our goals.

It struck me that while the fraternity is a conduit to friendships - across genders given the socialization patterns of fraternity men engaged in campus life and the way many collegiate members become actively involved in their fraternity and other civic organizations - it does not guarantee these relationships become meaningful for members at the collegiate or alumni level.

Brothers, building meaningful and value-added relationships is our charge!

If a fraternity should do anything well, it should be to teach men how to have meaningful, satisfying, and impactful relationships with each other and others. To be honest, there is little else really distinctive about our experience than the immediate ability to create intergenerational relationships that can have enormous emotional and other benefits in college and beyond. This was my experience:

• One of my best men in my wedding was my best friend from my chapter.

• When I come to convention, I have a connection with people whom I rarely interact with otherwise and it is like we see each other all the time. 

• As I serve the Fraternity, I try to build relationships that sustain my happiness and have done so in every aspect of my involvement.

• I am a better friend to other men, even outside of Phi Kappa Theta, because of the skills I learned as a member. 

(Credit, Hirsch, Vox, August 2022)

Fraternity can be what we hold up as the primary agent of change in this male friendship recession, but we have to be intentional about this and it will not be easy given all we have working against us. The Vox article (Aubrey Hirsch, 2022) referenced above references a disorder called normative male alexithymia: 

I am not going to get into a conversation about masculinity and male gender norms because while they stifle us, there is a lot of identity attached to this and much of how we show up as men has been learned over time: we cannot shame people into change. I feel like on the whole the best is for you to, “do you” as long as it does not hurt people - be the representation of a man that makes sense to you.

That said, our chapters, our organization, and our members can create conditions in which the relationships we seek with other men in college and in life are not just bought as a result of membership, but are what we spend our time improving as a result of our social interactions, service to the community, involvement in campus life, educational experiences and in many cases a shared living environment. 

So, we have work to do but it must be done. If we are intentional and thoughtful about ensuring an environment in which men can build the skills they need to be the right friends to each other while in college and to their fellow brothers and other humans in general after college, then we will be contributing to the improvement of our members in ways that really can be transformative and impactful. 

How our chapter at Trine found new ways to operate amid the COVID-19 crisis

Written by: Indiana Alpha Gamma Chapter at Trine University

Former United States President, Brother John F. Kennedy once said that "only in winter can you tell which trees are truly green and only when the winds of adversity blow can you tell whether an individual or a country has steadfastness." When faced with the many challenges presented with COVID-19, we, the Brothers at the Indiana Alpha Gamma Chapter of Phi Kappa Theta Fraternity, held the sentiment behind this quote near and dear to our hearts. Persevering in unprecedented times, as Brother Kennedy noted, was integral in determining how true we are to our Fraternal values and how successful we will be moving forward.

Chapter performance coach Seth Ware speaks to Indiana Alpha Gamma collegiate members

As COVID-19 cases continued to grow, college campuses had to decide if they should remain open or close operations for the rest of the semester.  While we awaited Trine's campus status, our Chapter leadership proactively convened to determine how to prepare for the last half of the spring semester. The two main issues addressed were how each leadership position would conduct their duties like normal and how the Chapter could conduct meetings with all members. With nearly all of our Brothers residing in the house, most of them decided to stay and continue to fulfill their fraternal, intellectual, social, spiritual, and leadership duties. Our Chapter decided to conduct meetings in the basement where social distancing practices could take place. We also utilized Zoom's free conference platform to ensure other Brothers could partake virtually. The continued meetings and virtual calls afforded our Chapter leaders to complete tasks and report results. While the University had transitioned from in-person lectures to online classes, our Brothers' spirit and liveliness remained the same. All of our Brothers were there to support each other in our own personal, fraternal, and even scholastic development as we all shared a common goal–to maintain our Brotherhood. Our efforts transpired well into the end of the semester when elections came around.  We held elections virtually while protecting the privacy of each candidate's speeches, the confidentiality of voting, and the secrecy of our Fraternity rituals.

As we moved into the 2020-2021 academic year with a plan to keep our Brothers and our community safe and healthy, we continued to fulfill our chapter duties "as usual" as we were determined to continue to succeed in all of our endeavors. As leaders and as Brothers, it is our duty to stay true to this goal. Our Brotherhood asked, "Where are we going?". It was imperative and ironic to contribute to and have a successful Quo Vadis (QV) given the unexpected pandemic. In years past, the chapter Vice President has set up QV to be a weekend retreat somewhere away from the house, although this year, we decided it would be smart to hold QV at the house while also following our COVID-19 protocols. With the help of our advisor Dr. Sean Carrol, our performance coach, Seth Ware, and our Vice President JJ Whicker, as well as the rest of our Brotherhood, we selected three "SMART" goals of Recruitment, Alumni Relations, and Developing Leaders. Each of these goals had their respective metrics to determine success. When discussing potential plans, we considered them in the best-case and worst-case scenario to ensure we remained flexible to achieve our goals. We knew that communicating our tasks was necessary to reach our goals, so we remained open to the idea of meeting virtually.

Chapters members on a virtual call with various alumni

Operating a chapter, let alone a successful one, is no easy feat, especially in these unprecedented times. We upheld leadership decisions and precedents set in the spring and even considered some new operating norms. Once we were back on campus, our leaders continued to meet through Zoom instead of in the house. For large group gatherings, such as our Chapter meetings, we now utilize a large lecture hall on campus for a safer environment. Additionally, if a Brother or new member cannot attend or wishes not to participate in person, we have followed the precedent set by our University by offering a Zoom conference as an alternative method of attendance. Utilizing the Zoom platform has made it more convenient to meet with our alumni, such as Thomas Pompeii, to help mentor our chapter members. We also look forward to utilizing Zoom to meet with our National Fraternity President, Doug Dilling.

Expressing the importance of our ideals is nearly impossible without conducting our pinning and initiation ceremonies. We did not want to take these experiences away from our spring new member class. We held a formal, in-person initiation ceremony for them at the beginning of the semester. Most of the class moved into the house for this year, and we already established house rules for COVID-19, so everyone was masked and socially distanced.

Recruitment event adhering to COVID-19 policies at Trine University

While we had to cancel events, we successfully coordinated new ones that followed safety guidelines. It was important for us to remain conscious of our community's health and safety. We continue to look for ways to innovate and have explored the idea of conducting a virtual silent auction at the end of the semester. 

To secure success now and always, we needed to stay focused on recruiting quality men into our Brotherhood, as indicated by one of our QV goals. With a fall semester starting two weeks earlier than usual, the combination of beautiful weather and a sand volleyball court attached to the side of our house–we figured we were all set to have a successful recruiting semester–and we were right! We had returning brothers, new members, and potential new members playing volleyball every day after classes for the first month and a half. The outdoor, spacious courts fostered an environment perfect for strengthening our Brotherhood. We introduced ourselves to potential new members and found a way to relax during these stressful times while abiding by COVID-19 guidelines. With the success of our informal and formal events for recruitment, we decided to hold a larger event that would still be safe and manageable. We planned a cookout alongside our volleyball games. All aspects of the Brotherhood were present as stories, laughs, and food had been provided around volleyball. Shortly before the midpoint in the semester, our Dean of Students notified us that off-campus events would no longer be permitted. In addition to other policies affecting in-person gatherings, we planned on-campus events and virtual events while abiding under COVID-19 guidelines.

Despite recent challenges and obstacles yet to come, we remain steadfast in our values and duties to our community, each other, and God. Our faculty advisor Dr. Sean Carroll once reminded us that we are "gentlemen and scholars" and that "gentlemen never willingly cause suffering and scholars are always willing to learn." More than ever, these times allow our Chapter to show the world that we truly are Phi Kappa Theta gentlemen and scholars.

1960-61 Ohio Alpha Beta (Case Western Reserve University) alumni reunite via Zoom

What can you do if you’re a group of fraternity brothers who haven’t seen or interacted with each other for 50-60 years? Well, let us tell you. There was a group of four Phi Kaps who had been in sporadic contact with each other over the years. One of the four, Dave Ehlke, sent an email to the other three in early June and suggested that they initiate a Zoom call.

This was eagerly welcomed since everyone had been sequestered for weeks because of the pandemic. During the call, it was agreed that they should invite other Phi Kap brothers into the call for the following weeks. The group quickly grew to eleven.

After some discussion, the participants decided to schedule weekly Zoom calls and generated a prioritized list of discussion topics. And so it began. It’s interesting that each member enthusiastically attends these zoom calls.

The weekly Zoom meetings started with discussions of:

• “What are you most proud of in your life since graduation?”

• “How did you meet your wife?”

• “What are your favorite fraternity memories?”

Some then and now photos of the brothers attending the virtual reunion.

Some of the other planned discussion topics identified so far include:

• “How has the virus impacted you and your family?”

• “What types of investments have you made?

• “What are the favorite places that you’ve visited?”

In addition, a permanent record of everyone’s life after graduation, lovingly called the “Geezer Report”, is being created by each person. The report is a short review, written by each member, in their own words, which describes their jobs, their family and what they are currently doing. One member, John Lozan is the editor of these reports.

So, what have we learned from these sessions? Well, as you see from the map, the brothers are currently scattered across the country. How did they get there? In addition, we found that the careers of the group members are more varied than you might expect from a group of graduate engineers. One member is a real estate developer (Tom Prioreschi). One owns a winery/vineyard (Gerry Pasterick). Six were business executives (Con DeLetis, Dave Ehlke, Maynard Isabell, Al Muren, John Lozan, and Frank Stilwagner). Two of the brothers are physicians (Joe Crawford, Don Macko) and one was a college professor/provost (Dave Schrady).

Another interesting observation is that many of them have advanced degrees and one member, (Joe Crawford) has 5 degrees. Only one member, (Dave Schrady) actually followed and used his degree in Operations Research. Three were entrepreneurs with their own businesses, (Dave Ehlke, John Lozan and Tom Prioreschi),

The members have been married an average of 51 years.

Besides the usual hobbies of golf, hiking, travel, cruising, there were some unusual hobbies including racing cars (Dave Schrady, Al Muren), collection of credit cards (Con DeLetis), photography/slide shows (John Lozan), ham radio (Joe Crawford), oil painting (Don Macko).

Examples of giving back include; criminal justice reforms (Dave Ehlke), food bank/homeless projects (Frank Stilwagner), scholarships and educational reform (Con DeLetis), civic and non-profit involvement (John Lozan), others supporting non-profits financially (Gerry Pasterick, Al Muren, Joe Crawford, Maynard Isabell,)

While each brother took a different path in life, each has agreed that there was real value in the bonds formed during those early years at Case and in the fraternity. There were many things that the college/fraternity life prepared us for.

Some of the common threads were: the importance of family, the value of education, a life well lived, grateful for opportunities, no significant regrets. In addition, all continued to be in relatively good health (for octogenarians).

It’s been a fascinating and positive reunion. How have you remained in contact with your Phi Kap Brothers?

Let us know by contacting us for a news story!

PA Beta Gamma Chapter at Penn State University Raises $40,000 in Search of a Cure

— Ben Borus (Penn State, ‘22) “It’s far and away the most meaningful experience I’ve had as a brother and to share it with my best friends is something I hope to do for the rest of my life,” said THON chair Kamron Sarmadi about one of the most special weekends of the Penn State school year.

 This past February, the Beta Gamma chapter celebrated THON weekend. THON is the largest student-run philanthropy in the world. Every year it raises over $10 million for the fight against childhood cancer. The year-long fundraising effort culminates with a 46-hour, no-sitting, no-sleeping, dance marathon. The chapter was able to elect three individuals to represent them on the floor as dancers. Most participate from the stands, but being elected as a dancer is a huge honor amongst the brotherhood. During the week leading up to THON, the brothers wrote over 300 letters that the dancers could open for support.

This year the brothers raised $40,000, which is the largest total in chapter history. This impressive achievement took months of commitment from the entire brotherhood. Whether it was attending fundraisers, reaching out to their family members, or even supporting the dancers on the floor when they needed it the most. President Owen Peters could not be prouder of the chapter’s efforts this year. “It’s amazing to see the brothers come together like this to support such a great cause. I’m so proud of everyone for all their contributions this year.”

Each student organization is paired with a THON child. The program is meant for student organizations to provide emotional support for children with cancer. The chapter has been paired with Ryan Arevelo for 5 years now. “Working with Ryan and the rest of the Arevelo Family year-round is such a rewarding experience,” said Family Relations Chair Kamron Sarmadi, “and to see him officially cured in July is the best thing we could have asked for.” The brothers plan many events throughout the year with Ryan and his family, such as inviting him to the chapter house and visiting him in his hometown.

Every brother has a reason why they THON. “Coming from a family who has lost family members to cancer as well as my grandfather who’s beaten it, THON is something that I have been motivated to be a part of since I came to Penn State,” said head chair Joseph Mondy. This sentiment rings true for many brothers, which is why THON is one of the most anticipated events of the year and one of the best ways to live out the core values of Phi Kappa Theta. To everyone who has helped us this year and in the past to raise money for such an amazing cause, we thank you, and more importantly, all the Four Diamonds Families thank you. Our efforts to break our fundraising record start this summer, so if you are interested in learning more or donating to the cause please reach out to our Alumni Relations Chair at phikappatheta.mcevoy@gmail.com. Your involvement means the world to these families and they will be forever grateful. As always, Give, Expecting Nothing Thereof.